Where Do Writing Ideas Come From?

Here’s one answer:

(You might recognize this little guy from the Kaiser Permanente TV commercial about “Where do babies come from?” He’s the last kindergartener we see, shrugging his shoulders in puzzlement. This commercial and particularly this image cracks me up every time I see it. Hang on buddy, the rest of us are confused about things, too!)

Anyhow, to the matter at hand.  Sometimes people who read or hear my stuff ask me where I get my ideas for what I write. My quick answer is everywhere and nowhere, but that’s not a satisfactory answer so I want to examine the issue a little more closely and be more specific. If I can. If I can’t, this is the end of this post.

Ha! Gotcha for a moment there (depending on your screen display), didn’t I?

I humbly believe I do write a fair amount. I’m incapable of writing longer works such as novels like my friends Nancy Kyme, Heidi Willis, Sheila Lamb and Joelle Perry. I lack the wit and the attention span to write 100,000 to 180,000 words and revise and revise it and have it published and publicized and distributed. I salute these ladies for doing all these things (they all have been featured as Local Writer of the Week in Biscuit City—Joelle in the Global Village edition of that feature)—and it’s a long hard row to hoe as they will tell you. (I did attempt and finish one novel but it is so sorry I have it in a locked box in the basement so it can’t escape. It is truly horrible.)

No, I write short pieces of about 750 to 1500 words that might very charitably be described as Garrison Keilloresque essays. I do four of these a week for Biscuit City (Friday is Poem of the Week, which I don’t usually write, although I could if everyone would want to read a spectacularly uneven collection of poetry.), there have been about 200 of those. I also have about 150 columns I wrote for the News and Messenger over a period of three years. I have written a devotional for my church choir for the past ten years so there about 500 of those, and other things I wrote for my students during a 32-year teaching career, which number about 1000. So that’s a lot of little writings (about 1800 if my math is correct). Where do I get ideas for them all?

Sometimes the pieces are about things that happen to me. (I believe all my friends’ long works are based on their experiences to some extent.) I wrote about my day in traffic court which turned out well for me (charges dismissed because of my good driving record. I was innocent but took the plea deal!) turned into a post called, “The Quality of Mercy.” I have also written about the household projects I have going on. One of the most popular Biscuit City posts was the one about pruning my hollies. (Which were really pruned by the siding crew in November. The hollies will come back. I hope.)

Then there are the things I read and hear in the news. One I haven’t written about yet and am not sure how to go about it in a tasteful way came from a television news report that some pet owners are freeze drying their deceased pets to preserve them and keep them around…forever, I suppose. It takes a year to freeze-dry a medium-sized dog but the result is a dog that looks like it has been stuffed and mounted. But it’s freeze dried. I am not, as Dave Barry likes to say, making this up. I also want to write about Fauquier County Schools and how they close so quickly at the thought of snow. I’m sure there’s more to the story than I think, but I’d like to go into that.

Some of the best writing ideas come from people who read what I’ve written and tell me about their related experiences. When I wrote in the News and Messenger column that I did not like encyclopedias I thought I was going to be injured by people who have a close relationship with  their encyclopedias. If you are one of these, I respect your feelings. Just don’t come hurt me for bringing this up again. But I did hear a lot of good stories about using encyclopedias, owning a nice set of them and updating them (World Book) every year, and even selling encyclopedias from one fellow.

I also heard a number of good stories from people in connection with my first column for the Observer  newspapers about George Washington’s grist mill, about riding buses and packing lunches and going on field trips and falling in water and having a deathly fear of a large teacher. I love these stories people share with me—they’re the best part of writing for my Loyal Readers.

And then I have my writer’s notebook which I lost for a month in December and found in January. I wrote about it on Facebook and seemed to attract a lot of sympathy. I have decide to leave it next to my desktop computer and rely on squirrelly scraps (a term coined by daughter Alyssa) when I am out and about. I should add that I lost my iPhone for a couple of hours when I put it on the writer’s notebook because both are black. Stealth iPhone, invisible to its owner’s eyes. Anyhow I have about 200 writing ideas in the notebook of various sorts, and I’ll use some of them if I can read what I’ve written.

I believe, as Huck Finn said, there is “nothing more to write” on this subject, at least for me, at least for now. If you ever ask an author, “Where do you get your ideas?” you now have a head start on the answer. Maybe.

Local Writer of the Week (Global Village Edition)--Jolene Perry

Good morning and welcome to Extra Gravy, a Harrison Bergeron Production coming to you from the glass-enclosed studios in Biscuit City, a wonderful magical land where all your dreams come true, everyone is intelligent and beautiful and has a ton of money! And it’s 72 degrees and sunny year ‘round. This is Dan Verner, the host of Extra Gravy, and our guest today is Jolene Perry, a writer of romance novels from Alaska. She has published The Next Door Boys and will be bringing out Night Sky and Knee Deep this spring. Jolene, can you tell us what kind of books these are?

Jolene: The Next Door Boys is LDS Fiction, Night Sky is general YA fiction and releases March 1^st. Knee Deep, also general YA fiction, releases May 1^st.

Dan: Well, thank you for that. I’m glad you’re here, especially since you live in Wasilla, Alaska. I have to ask: do you know Sarah Palin?

Jolene: I know where her house is – and you can take that however you’d like to.

Dan: Could you tell us something about where you live?

Jolene: I have a love/hate relationship with where I live. I forget how harsh the climate is until I talk with someone who thinks 35 is cold, when 35 is sweatshirt weather. I love how many outdoor activities are at my fingertips. I hate that in February, when my lower 48 friends are getting ready to garden, we’re still two months away from the end of winter.

Dan: Fascinating! I would have to say that most of us in the Lower 48 don’t know much about Alaska. You were telling me earlier that you’ve had temperatures as low as minus 30 this winter. What’s it like to try to live in -30 degree temperatures?

Jolene: Just like living somewhere that it hits 110 – only opposite. There’s something cool about it, but it hurts your eyes, your lungs… I’ve frost bitten fingers, toes, nose, and cheeks more than once. But when it’s that cold, everything sparkles, and the kids and I go outside to blow bubbles, which immediately freeze and are much more fun to pop than the boring old regular bubbles.

Dan: That is so cool, but it makes me cold just to think about it! You Alaskans are real troupers. We get half an inch of snow and panic sets in.

So, I met you on Facebook when you commented on a profile I did of Heidi Willis, who has written a book called Some Kind of Normal, a marvelous first novel (Heidi, there’s your plug!) You wrote something that made me think you were a writer so I messaged you and asked “Are you a writer?”  Do you want to describe what happened next and how we got to know each other on FB?

Jolene: MWAHAHA – Dan here tried to get me to sew him a Napoleonic Era Naval Uniform (or something of the sort - I’d just finished one for my husband). It resulted in a few days of hilarity and banter involving jail time, cars that aren’t silver, and replacing lost buttons once a modern uniform was stripped from its royal owner.

Dan: I should add that I had put up as a profile picture on my FB page a Colonial Williamsburg person in a long blue coat playing a recorder. He looked a bit like me and Jo asked about my costume. I had to confess that the picture wasn’t me, and she returned, “So this relationship is based on a LIE.” This cracked me up and I tried to get her to sew a nice 18^th century British admiral’s uniform for me since she said she had just done one for her husband. She kept wanting a car in return and I’m too cheap to do that, so I said I would mug Prince Phillip and take his uniform. Jo offered to come make alterations for me in prison. Hilarity reigned for days, as Jo noted.

Jo, I checked some of your websites and blogs. You have quite a presence there and have published The Next Door Boys, which is billed as a LDS romance. I had never heard of this genre. What can you tell me about it?

Jolene: The genre or the book? LOL. It’s simply that the characters are LDS. It’s a fun romantic story with LDS characters.

Dan: I’ve read the book (my first romance novel!) and it is well-written and exceptionally engaging even though I am nowhere near the demographic for the YA genre. How did you get started with this type of writing?

Jolene: I joined the Mormon church?? LOL.  Honestly, I started in this genre because I thought it would be easier to break into that market, and once I wrote one, it turned fun, so I wrote a few more.

Dan: I’m putting the sled ahead of the sled dog (a little Alaskan style saying there), so let me ask how you got started as a writer.

Jolene: I wrote when I was a kid, and then wrote songs when I learned to play the guitar (my husband was deployed in the military) and then my first book was written sort of by accident. I started on a story at the suggestion of my husband. When I got to 100 pages, I realized that I had a LOT more story left to tell.

Dan: How did you learn to write, and who encouraged you?

Jolene: It’s not that I “learned” to write, it’s that I found the confidence to write in my own voice – in other words – to make my writing MINE. That’s simply a practice thing.

Dan: Discovering one’s voice in writing seems to be a key for writers. Tell me about writing your first novel, please.

Jolene: When I wrote my first novel, I didn’t intend to write a whole novel, and then I did. That one is a great story with disastrous writing and is shelved. When I started The Next Door Boys, I knew it would be a novel, so the first draft of that one was a lot cleaner.

Dan: And how did it come to be published?

Jolene: It was a matter of finding some people with a lot more talent than myself to read it and tell me what I did wrong, and what I did right. Then doing research as to where it might go to be published.

Dan: How has your book been received?

Jolene: The people who haven’t liked it (a few), have been quiet, and the people who love it have been loud :D

Dan: Let’s hear it for the loud ones! I see from some of the online reviews that some people fault the book for having Mormon elements although it is clearly labeled as a LDS  romance novel. You told me earlier that you found these comments amusing. Why is that? I find them evidence that people were not paying good attention.

Jolene: I find it hysterical when people don’t like a book based on something they could have learned while READING THE DESCRIPTION. It makes their opinion much less valid.

Dan: I should tell our readers that you have a wicked sense of humor, but you claim you’re not funny. Please tell us about this (and try to be funny)!

Jolene: Oh . . . the pressure of being funny . . . SO – three guys walked into a bar, and . . . Kidding. Mostly I think it’s cool when people use “wicked” to describe me, especially when it has nothing to do with ACTUAL 

wickedness.

Dan: Well, I find that you’re ROTFL funny. And Wicked was a boffo musical.

You have two small children. How do you find the time to take care of them and also write?

Jolene: They pretty much fend for themselves. I mean, it’s sort of like cats, right? Some petting, food, water, and a good place to sleep.

Dan: Wish I’d known that when our kids were small. We’ve always had at least one cat, and I could have just added another food dish and filled it with Cheerios.

What do you enjoy doing when you’re not writing or taking care of your children?

Jolene: This is a LONG list. I’ll try to keep it down. I’m a bit of a daredevil on a snowmachine. I hike. I sew. I play the guitar. I sing. I take my kids to the museum. I love to take pictures. We have a raft for whitewater, that’s used most often on lakes.

Dan: How does your husband regard your writing career?

Jolene: I think the “career” part is just as exciting to him as it is to me. He’s a HUGE support, which I need with our small kids.

My husband was in the Army. He was Military Police, and we both gained a HUGE amount of life experience from that – part of which was living right on Prince William Sound, surviving a few military deployments, and gaining a whole new perspective on what military families go through.

Dan: And you’re from Anchorage. What was growing up like?

Jolene: My dad owned a bush plane, and we were out almost every weekend. I ate so much moose meat that I thought beef tasted funny. For a long time I didn’t know there was any other kind of fish to eat besides salmon. I went on my first camping trip when I was about 6 months old – I don’t remember this of course, but I also don’t remember a time when my family wasn’t busy doing something OUTDOORS.

Dan: That’s so interesting. Alaska really is a whole new world (that would make a good song title) for us.

You wrote that you would like to meet local novelist Heidi Willis. Have you considered coming to the D.C. area for a visit? I’m sure Heidi would be glad to have you stay with her. (Right, Heidi? Heidi?) You and your husband could drive here in the hot Mustang of yours. It’s only about 4200 miles and takes about three and a half days. So, what do you say? (Say yes!) (Only half kidding about this!) Heidi would also be glad to show you the sights!

Jolene: If you drive all day and all night, it takes three days to get to Seattle – so I’m guessing your time estimates might be off a tad ;-D I LOVE D.C.! I taught history and have only been there once. I was pregnant with my first at the time, feeling a bit queasy, and both the National Archives and the Capitol Building were shut down for restoration L The area definitely needs another visit.

Dan: I was going by the Google map estimate for the driving time. You mean that not everything on the internet is true? I’m so disillusioned…

I hope you and your fam will be able to make it back here soon. Everything is open except for the Washington Monument which is closed because of damage from the August earthquake. We could prevail on someone to throw a nice writers’ reception for you and invite local writers to meet you. I don’t do receptions but my daughters are dynamite at staging them.

I want to thank you for being with us in the Biscuit City studios today. I wish you well with your novel and your writing. You’ve been a delightful guest. Stay warm and please don’t break your neck snowmobiling!

We’d love to have you back to talk about your upcoming books when they come out. Do you have anything you’d like to add to this interview?

Jolene: Thanks, and even though you have been nice enough to have me on your blog for a day, I’m still not sewing you a uniform until a shiny new car hits my driveway ;-D

Dan: Dang! I was hoping…I have one final question. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Jolene:  A Medrona Tree. They’re incredibly beautiful and the wood is just . . . unique and amazing.

Dan: We’ve been talking with Jolene Perry, novelist, mother, wife, wit, maker of period military costumes and Alaska resident. This has been the Local Writer of the Week feature, Global Village Edition, brought to you on the  Extra Gravy show on the  Biscuit City Network. The Local Writer of the Week is a Harrison Bergeron Production and is sponsored by Molly Bolt molly bolts, the best bolt there is for being securely anchored. Remember, if it’s not a Molly Bolt, it’s not going to hold! So hold on and insist on the best—Molly Bolt brand molly bolts! This is Dan Verner, bidding you a fond adieu from the glass-enclosed nerve center of the Biscuit City Network  until next time when we’ll talk to another local writer.

An Occupation I Never Knew Existed: Pediatric Pharmacist--an Interview With Andrea Matthews

A while back, I sat down with Andrea Matthews, a young woman who has recently joined our adult church choir. She brings a lovely soprano voice to the group. She sees her musical talents as a gift from God developed while growing up in various churches through the South.  Much of her training was received from her father, Joel Duncan, who is a Southern Baptist Minister of Music currently at St. John’s Baptist Church in Greer, S.C.

I talked with Andrea shortly after an early Sunday afternoon choir rehearsal.

Dan: Thank you for taking the time to sit down and share some of your background. This has been a full day with church this morning and a rehearsal this afternoon. I appreciate being able to talk with you.

Andrea: I’m pleased to be able to share what I’m doing. I enjoy being a part of the choir. It feels like home already!

Dan: I had never heard of a pediatric pharmacist until I met you. What does a pediatric pharmacist do that differs from a drug store pharmacist?

Andrea: I am trying to improve the safety of medication administration and appropriateness in the pediatric population. We work with a team of doctors and other health professionals at Mary Washington Hospital in Fredericksburg to make treatment appropriate for the age and weight of our pediatric patients. We take into account drug interactions and allergies. Children must be dosed differently from adults.

Dan: So how did this initiative come about?

Andrea: The hospital where I work has more adults in its population than children and the children were being treated by doctors who were used to working with adults. The initiative was begun as I have said, to make sure the children are being dosed appropriately with their meds. They are not simply miniature adults! We have to take that into account when working with them.

Premature babies in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) differ from full term infants in their developmental aspects and that must be taken into consideration in prescribing and administering their meds.

Reyes Syndrome in children when they are given aspirin is a prime example of what can happen when the differences between pediatric and adult patients are not taken into account. Antibiotics can have negative side effects in preemies. We need to understand our experiences and do research to understand these conditions, the pharmacokinetics—how the body processes medications—of children.

Dan: How did you become interested in becoming a pharmacist?

Andrea: I remember writing in a book in second grade about being a nurse. I participated in music at church—vocal music, handbells, piano and French horn, but my dad steered me away from music as a career. He said that I needed a career that made me more independent. Pharmacy makes my money, but music is my hobby and my ministry.

As a high school project, I interviewed a pharmacist and became interested in that as a career. I was good in math and science and a strong all-around student. And there was a couple in our church—he was a University of South Carolina pharmacy professor and she was a pharmacist, and they influenced me.

To become a pharmacist, one can have a four-year degree or a two-year pre-pharmacy certificate and then study for four more years for a Pharm. D. degree. I took my degrees from the University of South Carolina at Columbia. When I heard about pediatric pharmacy, I knew that’s what I had to do. I graduated in 1999. And I almost minored in music.

Dan: How did you get into pediatric pharmacy?

Andrea: I did a general practice pharmacy residency at Richland Memorial hospital in Columbia, South Carolina for a year. Then I worked as a general staff pharmacist at Greenville Memorial Hospital in Greenville, South Carolina for four years. Finally I became a pediatric pharmacist for  six years at a Medicaid Clinic in Easley, SC with the Medically Fragile Children’s Program for children who needed more care than the general pediatric population.

The program included a pediatrician, therapist, dietician, pharmacist and a patient educator. The children had to show a medical and emotional benefit and progress. It helped compensate for impact of their conditions. I spent six and a half years there.

Dan: So, how did you come to this area?

Andrea: In 2009, Medicaid changed the program’s method of reimbursement and eliminated the pharmacy program in 2010. I took some part time jobs until I moved here in June of 2011. My sister lives in the Manassas/Woodbridge area. I moved to Woodbridge on September 1, 2011, and started at MWH on September 26, 2011.

Dan: Please describe your work there for us.

Andrea: I have established procedures and protocols for pediatric patients and help in the NICU. To make it safer for both adults and children, we have a program to separate their meds. We push medication safety for the general pediatric population as well, of course.

Dan: Sounds like you enjoy your job.

Andrea: I do enjoy my job very much. I believe it is God’s calling for my life. I do not experience such enjoyment in other areas, except for church music.

Dan: We see you bringing your son to sit with you in the choir during the 9:30 service. He is very well behaved during the service.

Andrea: My son Cameron was a patient at the Medicaid clinic whom I adopted. I “hold the hymnbook” for him even though he is only seven to help him experience the faith and learn music and theology through the hymns. I think children can and should be a part of “big church” from an early age.

Dan: And how did you come to be with us at our church?

Andrea: We were visiting my sister and her family and liked the church. She takes care of Cameron when I’m at work. Typically I leave for work at 6 or 7 AM and get back around 5 0r 6 PM. I have to finish whatever work is there before I can leave. And we all know about the commute around here.

Dan: We sure do. Thank you for talking with me. I’ll put this up on my blog, Biscuit City as an  Occupation I Never Knew Existed feature. It’s great to know you and to have you as singer in our choir!

Andrea: Thank you. It’s great to be here and I enjoy singing with the choir so much.

A Play for All Seasons--PWLT's Production of "Baby"

Baby the musical just finished its run in the Gregory Theater at the Hylton Performing Arts Center on the Prince William Campus of George Mason University. I'm sorry I didn't see it soon enough to review it with some shows left. But, for the record, here is my review.

The musical, presented by the Prince William Little Theatre, is a play for anyone who has ever had a baby, fathered a baby, been a baby or child, raised a baby or child, had that child grow up in their household and seen them depart, leaving an empty nest. It’s also for aunts and uncles and cousins and friends of people with children—in short, it’s a play for everyone, by turns hysterically funny and deadly serious, hard-edged and softly sentimental. It is of all the musicals I have experienced one for all seasons of our lives.

Using the fortunes and misfortunes of three couples dealing in some way with pregnancy, Baby follows their odyssey from a song and dance by the Ensemble (aptly and actively voiced by a troupe of what appear to be wandering thespians) representing conception, uh, at a cellular level. (Hint: it’s not for children or the prudish.) All six soloists sang clearly and strongly and showed a range of emotional projection and physical acting ability. Couple Number 1, the Young Couple, played by Becca Harney (Lizzie) and Jason Frye (Danny) animated a young college couple. Becca, a recent graduate in Vocal Performance from George Mason, brought a strong and expressive voice to the role and emotional depth to her part.  Jason was a young singer-songwriter which he played with conviction since he is a singer-songwriter. This was his first turn at acting and I hope we will see him in future roles.

Couple Number 2, who in the play have been married for a while and want to have a baby, was convincingly played and sung by Meredith Ford (Pam) and Joshua Wilson (Nick). Their roles required moving between the comic and the serious, sometimes very quickly. They did this with apparent ease, although singing while doing some of the physical bits had to have been difficult. 

Couple Number 3, the Empty Nesters, were the ones I identified with the most since that’s the place my wife and I find ourselves, although we have been through all the stages. Annie Ermlick (Arlene) played with great gravitas and was by turns side-splittingly humorous and heart-wrenchingly tragic. I won’t reveal what the fortunes of her character are, but what happens to her will tear your heart out (metaphorically, of course). Darren Marquardt (Alan) depicted a gentleman of a, shall we say, certain age who struggles (as some of us do) with physical decline and a search for meaning in his relationships and his life. His strength in the role matched that of his stage wife.

The musical requirements of this musical were quite difficult, but the cast handled the skips and jumps with apparent aplomb, with a few exceptions. The band, energetically led by C. Milton Rodgers, was tight and right on target, never overplaying and always letting the lyrics shine.

Costumes, lighting, choreography, props, set changes, set dressing  and technical aspects were all managed well, a measure of which was that they suited the production without calling attention to themselves. The director’s audio channel could be heard over the house system a few times, but the actors soldiered on (most notably Annie Ermlick, who sang the difficult and touching “Patterns” with audio interference at a crucial part in the solo. She never missed a note). But, it’s live theater and these things sometimes happen.

 Kudos to the whole company for this most excellent production.  Special recognition goes to Director Susy Moorstein, who ran the show with conviction and who has been with the PWLT since its start 28 years ago. May they have many more years bringing excellent drama to our community.

Poem of the Week: Summer's End

This week's Poem of the Week is by Local Writer of the Week Mary McElveen. We both know it's out of season but Mary and I like it. So pretend it has been unseasonably warm lately and...got it? OK, here we go!

Summer's End

Yesterday the sunshined schoolbus

ceased its daily orbit round the neighborhood.

Yesterday we shrieked across the schoolyard,

books and teachers in our wake.

Freed from the solitary confinement of our desks

we wrote our names instead in jet trails

across the vast blue board of sky,

multiplied our hours by each blade of grass,

perfected the physics of skipping stones,

and measured the depth and flow of creek and pond.

From grassy beds, we studied pinprick stars

in the planetarium of night

and wrapped ourselves in lush damp air

that sparkled with fireflies and magic.

Yet here we stand in August, three months gone--

our barefoot mornings and lemonade afternoons,

the watermelon on the porch

and thorny blackberry expeditions

behind us,

we linger in the twilight,

studying the sweet alchemy of a peach

while the juice of summer

trickles through our fingers.

I don't want to go all English teacher on this poem, but I have rarely seen verses that so perfectly capture the childhood exuberance of the end of school using  the vocabulary of the just past school-bound existence matched with the sweet images of the natural world that we were loosed into every June. The summer lay before us, seemingly infinite in its duration, and then it was the end of August, and, as Mary writes, we watched that last few precious days drain through our fingers. Bravo, Mary Mac!

It Ain't Necessarily So: Advice for Writers

This is one of several lists making the internet rounds. Enjoy!

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)

unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used unless you don't want to seem too formal.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.

13. Do not use more words, phrases, sentences, or other linguistic elements than you, yourself, actually really and definitely need to use or employ when expressing yourself or otherwise giving voice to what you may or may not be thinking when you are trying to say how many words you should use or not use when using words.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, i.e. etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill excessive exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others elude to them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate distracting quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is said to have once remarked, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And finally...

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.