Actual phone conversations with customer service:
Me: The trash people didn’t put the lid back on my garbage can and the lid blew away.
Nice Lady from the Trash Company: Can you identify it?
Me: Well, it’s green and rectangular, about 18 inches by 24 inches and it fits on top of my trash can.
Nice Lady: I mean, did you have your name on it?
Me: No. How about my initials?
Nice Lady: That would help. Or your address.
Me: I didn’t have either.
Nice Lady: I’m sorry. Without some sort of identification there’s not much we can do.
Me: Do you have any extra can lids lying around?
Nice Lady: No, we don’t pick those up.
Me: I thought your business was picking up.
Nice Lady: Ha ha.
Me: Maybe I can microchip it.
Nice Lady: That would work, too.
Automated Phone Company Voice: If you are calling to report a phone out of service, press or say “1.”
Automated Phone Company Voice: If you are calling from the phone that is not working, press or say “1.”
Automated Phone Company Voice: If you are calling from a phone other than the phone that is not working, press or say “2.”
Automated Phone Company Voice: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you.
Me: All right, “2” then.
Automated Phone Company Voice: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble understanding you. Let me transfer you to a customer service representative.
Representative from a big Online Company Whose Name Is the Same as a
River South America:
So you didn’t order this merchandise?
Me: No, from the information you sent me, it was ordered under a different email address and sent to a different shipping address. Neither was mine.
Representative: Are you sure you don’t use that email address or shipping address?
Me: Let me check. (One microsecond elapses.) Yes, I’m sure.
Representative: Did you receive the merchandise?
Me: No. And I didn’t order it, either.
Representative: It didn’t come to the place that you live.
Me: No, it went to some place where I don’t live.
Representative: I see. So someone else ordered it. Do you know the person who ordered it?
Health Insurance Agent: We didn’t pay this claim because it had the wrong date on it.
Health Insurance Agent: You need to call the hospital and get them to correct the date.
Me: How about if I tell you the correct date?
Health Insurance Agent: I’m sorry, it has to be the hospital
Me: But I was there.
Health Insurance Agent: I’m sorry.
(A phone call later)
Hospital Representative: We sent the correct date to the insurance company.
Me: They say they got another date.
Hospital Representative: I don’t know how that happened.
Me: I don’t either. Can you call them and tell them the correct date?
Hospital Representative: We already did.
Me: They say you didn’t.
Me: Maybe we can settle this with a duel.
Hospital Representative: I think that’s illegal.
Me: Too bad.